Saturday, September 29, 2012

CARDBOARD CUTOUTS DO MAKE GOOD FRIENDS:AUCKMED LIVES!!!!

CARDBOARD CUTOUTS DO MAKE GOOD FRIENDS:AUCKMED LIVES!!!!


"THat's IT!!!!!"Trista had had ENOUGH OF AUCKMED AND NED AND THAT DAMN SKUNK!!!!!! She picked up Auckmed. Soaked in beer from Ned, his toilet paper wrapping was quickly dissolving. Auckmed was dying...........poor Auckmed. A Single tear ran down Ned's face. He lifted his hat. Took off his glasses," shit, I juusst got (sniffle)sssome smoke in (sniffle)mmy eeye". Ned turned for a second and quickly wiped it away before anyone could see. "HEYYYYYYY"As he turned he saw Trista coming to the fire with Auckmed."WoOOOOW...STOP..... WAIT What Do YOU Think you're DOING? PUT AUCKMED DOWN RIGHT NOW.....I'M SERIOUUS DON'TT TTOUCHHH HIM HE'S INJURED HHHHEEEEE JJ-JJ-UST NEEDS TOOO RESSSTT!!!! THAT'S ALL....HE'S NOT GONE...... TRISTA WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU....WAIT!!!!!" Ned pleaded while he walked backwards in front of her. While she pressed forward glaring through Ned to Freeland and Gwenette's fire pit where Mike and Rianne, were all sitting. Katey and Fred, Colleen and Stone, Brandon and Nicole, Mick and Ron and I.
   At the fire pit we watched the whole scene unfold."What's goin on? Why is he yelling?" I asked. Fred whispers, " Ned's in shit cause the skunk sprayed the trailer so Trista's going to burn Auckmed. She's pissed!!!!"
 "She Won"t Throw It In The Fire.... She's Just Bluffing,"Mike reassures everyone.
 "Yes she is"I said.
"Mike, She's Gonna Do It!" Gwenette countered.
"Nah.. she's just going to care him, she won't do it!" Rianne Chimed on Mike's behalf.
"I Don't Knooowww Rianne, She really does have that thing..... I Think She'll Do It" Colleen Decides!
So with our lines drawn ......

While waiting to see what happens next....... I whispered to Katey, "Katey..." I whispered, "From now on related every conversation to a Penis.."
"WHAAT?" Katey exclaimed!!!
"Whatever happens next.... and forever more relate ever conversation to a penis. You'll laugh all day long."
Just then we caught the end of Fred's conversation" yeah and the hitch was 18" long and get you'll never get that sucker off!!!" He was talking about his truck.
but what we heard was " Yeah the Penis was 18" long and get you'll never suck that off!!!" We were howling. this continued for a bit no one could figure out why Katey a beautiful woman, awesome mother and wife but reserved or maybe a little shy. But then compared to me anyone looks shy, lol. why this woman was literally in tears laughing her as off.
so she told them while giggling away."Christine, (chuckle) told me to relate everything you guys say to a penis....... you gotta try it....... it really works!!!!" Everyone started laughing as they remember what Fred had said.
OK MAYBE it wasn't the best time for me to put that Joke out on the table.
  •  Make a note:When friends are fighting it isn't good to be laughing........ while we were talking about them previously. We weren't talking about them at the time of laughter. We were having a hilarious Penis discussion. that's kind of hard to explain to them when they're having such a serious moment....... oops!
Trista and Ned are now at the fire pit........

"FFFFFFRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLAAAAAANNNDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Gwenette screamed!!!!
Freeland jumps up" WHATS WRONG?" YELLS "I Don't know what's going on tonight MAN PEOPLE ARE GETTING TO SERIOUS!" As he rounds the corner to see what the hell is going on.....  Mike, Fred and Ron hot on his heels to help!!!!
Gwenette Yells" STOP FREELAND........... THERE'S A SKUNK!!!!!!!"
Freeland STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS!!!  Mike and Fred bounce into Freeland but Stop. Well  NO ONE GAVE RON THE STOP TEXT!!!!!!
While Ron was leaving the fire he turns to everyone and says, " Don't worry us MEN'LL TAKE CARE OF IT!!!" DOES THE FIST BANG IN THE CHEST  and turns around....
SMACK!!!!!
Barrels right into Fred.... Mike.....and Freeland sending them flying. like a bowling ball too pins!!!
STRIKE!!!!!!
   "Oh my GOD!!!!! FREELAND!!!!GWENETTE SCREAMS SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND EVER SO CALMLY WHISPERS "DON'T ....MOVE... "
EVERYONE STOPS AND LOOKS.  "Fred whispers well this won't end well."
Mike whispers back yeah I think we're pretty screwed!"
   Ron had barrelled Fred and Mike over who then sent Freeland flying right into the ass end off a skunk. He opened his eyes and turn just in time to get............
ALL YOU COULD HEAR WAS SSSSSSPPPPPPLLLLLLAAATT!!!!
Gwenette screams as the skunk runs under the very deck she is standing on. " YOU THINK YOU CAN SPRAY MY HUSBAND AND GET AWAY WITH IT?"
   Slam.... opens Nicole's window, "why do I smell skunk? What the hell are yhou guys doing over there, anyway?" Nicole, who had just turned 70. I will tell you she looks like a hot 50 and a super great lady. Living life travelllin around in her moter home she was getting ready to leave for Florida soon.
"The Skunk sprayed Freeland right in the face. Like, he was only a foot away. FREELAND?   R U OK? CAN YOU SEE?" Gwenette asked him, " Nicole, seriously it nailed him right square in the nose!" Gwenette exclaimed in disbelief of what had just happened.
With a very strong french accent that really only came out when she got excited or angry. Of which she was Both."RON......I'VE HAD ENOUGH...........YOU NEED TO GET RID OF THIS SKUNK NOW!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!" Nicole demanded!!
"That weekend it was Ned and that damn doll get my trailer stinking like a skunk!!!!!
I Get Thee Smell gone, and what?
This week it's this one over here is jumping up and down on the deck making it spray her own husband in face, oh my god.......oh your all nuts................................. i tell u NUTS!!!!!"
By now she'd gotten she shoes and coat on and come out to observe the damage! "
"Gwenette.......my dear for future reference when you have a skunk in you deck, around your deck or..........Anywhere near your deck...........YOU DON'T JUMP UP AND DOWN!!!!!!!..........AND YOU MOST CERTAINLY DON'T SCREAM!!!........ GOT IT!!!!!!" NICOLE EXCLAIMED IN A CLEARLY FAIR PISSED OFF VOICE as she broke out laughing.
   Freeland's eyes were just burning as he scrubbed down with a mixture of tomato juice, lemon and baking soda. Inside he could hear Ned and Trista still arguing about what had happened on one side, sex and penis talk at the fir pit and Ron setting a Live trap for the skunk. while Gwenette and Nicole and I bitched about the hoard funny smell that floated like a ghostly stink cloud around them.
Nicole says to Me "Boy Christine the skunk really got you eh?" I just laughed "Ooops I guess I got to spray down the area again........... damn skunk!" Nicole nodded back.
   Freeland comes out of the trailer, still wiping his face with his towel but smelling a hell of a lot better. Freeland being the best mannered most good natured new fie I've ever met let out a new fie holler "WHHHHHHOOooooOOOOWWWWWYYYYY DID THAT EVER STINK!... MMMMYYYY LLOORRRD I NEVEER SMELT NOTHIN LIKE THAT....I'LL TELL YOU!! gwenette followed with the drinks.  Purely relived that he was going to be OK.
   The second she stepped on the deck she started fuming all over again about the skunk "Make sure you put enough bait in the trap Ron. I want him GONE!!!"
"Don't worry Gwenette I'll catch it for you tonight.... don't you worry!!" Ron reassured her as he walked with them back to the fire.
   With skunk trap set and all smells vanquished everyone had replenished their drinks had their pees and had returned to the fire pit along with Ned and Trista who was still carrying Auckmed.
   "Trista put Auckmed DOWN...." NED PLEADS
"OK" POOF AUCKMED GOES UP  IN FLAMES.
NED FELL TO HIS KNEES "Why'D You Do It? What'd he ever do to you.........POOF AGAIN!!!
AND A PUFF OF GREEN SMOKE APPEARS FROM THE FIRE!
   Out of the Green Cloud of smoke, something was RISING!!!
Fred yells to me, " Christine those weren't your special cookies we ate earlier right?"
I shook my head as I answered," NOPE This Is Really Happening..... this is in no way my fault I'm sure!!!!
It was AUCKMED NED'S FRIENDSHIP FOR HIM WAS SO POWERFUL THAT IT RETURNED HIM FROM THE DEAD......
Just Kidding he was a mummy stupid he was already dead. When Trista put him into the fire it released him from his toilet paper bonds allowing him to finally go to rest.
Before he disappeared back into the smoke. Auckmed had these final parting words for Ned,
In the squeakiest..... high pitched .....very femine voice he ssayss
"I LOVE YOU too MAN!!!! You're The Only One That Gets Me too! I'm so glad we're Friends!!! Maybe we'll hookup again on the otherside, thanks Trista bye everyone!!!"
POOF HE WAS GONE AND SO WAS THE SKUNK!!!


   
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