Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Man Almost Gets His Penis Cut Off In a Castle!

Need a Bat Specialist?

http://brssremoval.com/BAT_REMOVAL_AND_PROO.html









It's that time of year everything Starts Getting a little Creepy. It's getting Close to Halloween, Everyone seems to allow themselves to get freaked out this time of year. You start buying into all of the Psycho and Horror movies. It's Starting to get allot colder at night. Leaves falling from the trees. Wind Rustling them down the street. Add Rain, Thunder and lightening it paints quite and Erie Setting. This story will start out PG13 and will END VERY BADLY With Freddy and Jason on Friday the 13th. This is the first in the Series of Stories. Based on Tall Tales From Some Crazy, Funny People I call Family.

Mike and his Wife Rianne, Newlyweds where spending their first night in their new Castle. Mike had given Rianne the Most Beautiful Wedding and Honeymoon a woman could ask for. the Last year of their lives had just been the Greatest Blur. They Say when you're having fun time always seems to go faster.
This all came to be because,Mike finally convinced Rianne to go on Canadian Idol and She Rocked Canada with her Voice and won. With Mike as her Manager, they had just finished a year long tour. That had finished in Hawaii. Where Mike had flown all of their Friends in to surprise Rianne with a dream Wedding and Honeymoon. He reenacted The 'Hawaiian Wedding Song Scene from Blue Hawaii'
It was the most perfect wedding I ever saw. I had never seen them happier. It really was too bad what happened too them, when they got back to town. No one could have predicted it, that's for sure!
They were in a daze as Mike carried his New Wife over the Stone Threshold. In a hurry to continue the Honeymoon before all their kids were dropped of by Grandpa, Grandma and the Nannies. They dropped the Suitcases and raced through the Great Room up the Marble Staircase to the Master Suite. Giggling like school kids hurrying trying not to get caught by Mom and Dad.Mike Chases Rianne into the Master Bedroom. both of them leaving a trail of clothes like breadcrumbs all the way up the steps and hallways leading to their suite or rooms.
He Wrestles her onto the bed. Devouring her with every kiss. Rianne Rolls on top of Mike and begins reminding him why, he NEVER WANTED THE HONEYMOON TO END! ! ! ! oH mY GOD", THEIR BODIES MELTING TOGETHER, Becoming ONE. They new that they couldn't stay this way forever and their Adult Time was about to End. Till that time CAME they were going to savoir Every Last Minute of Their Adult Time They Had Left. But...
Just as things start Getting Warmed Up and Ready for action, the Damn Doorbell Gongs.
"I don't care, you can't make me answer the door, Ri!" Mike said " won't Do it, I want more Adult time!" He Demanded, as He rolled back with his arm behind his head, resting it upon the Pillow.
Rianne Jumped up off the Bed and grabbed her robe. Excited to show the kids their New Bedrooms and Toys that they had got to surprise them.
A year ago were staying with Rianne's Mom and Spending Summers at their Trailer they had at a Camp Ground, where their campsite was right on the Grand River. That was where he got the Elvis Hawaiian Wedding Song Idea. He Was Driving Limo and she was a Waitress.
Then, Like a Fairytale everything just started to happen for them. It was a great thing to watch it all happen and to be apart of it, it's just too bad the fairy Tale had to End....
Rianne, while looking too the world like the Complete Rock Star She Now Was, Was still really getting used to the whole Fame Game. She WAS NOT Going to become one of the drugged out,drunk, underwear forgetting skank. She was a Real Woman and a Terrific Mom. Which is probably why she rose to Fame so quick. She was living everyone's dream and doing it like a Rock'n Roll Princess. She was now Canadian Royalty.
"Oh My God, look at the SHOES!!!" Rianne Squealed With Delight As She Opened the Huge Double doors and walked (floated on air) into the closet, the exact closet, Bedroom and Sitting Rooms from Princess Diaries 2. The Entire Estate was built on land that Mike had picked out. 2oo of the Most Beautiful Acres of Land Canada has to offer. A 7000 square foot Scaled down Replica of the Castle and Estate. Here's the link to show you her closet.

And yet, as she went through all of the beautiful racks of Silk Shirts, Shimmering Evening Gowns and all of the Finest Pieces of Jewelry and |Accessories you could imagine. She's looking like an Innocent little kid in a candy store, not know which piece to pick first.
Mike laughed as he peaked in the closet to find bent over with a huge Black Boa wrapped around her shoulders. Covered from head to toe in Gold and Diamonds trying on a pair of Jimmy Chou's. But she still had her frumpy old robe on. She looked up at him. Tousles of Brunette Locks falling down surrounding her face. While a Diamond studded Ti era teetering on top of her head Gucci Sun Glasses just about falling off of her nose. She was quite a site. Looking at her, so happy and vibrant. Reminded him again why he loved her so much.
His laugh startled her "humph" She fell backwards into a Pile of Furs she had just finished trying on. She looked up at Mike with the Ti era still teetering and blew a wisp of hair out of her face. Mike cracked up laughing. The Ti erra finally fell and knocked the Gucci Glasses off her nose. She laughed at the whole situation as she ever so coolly caught both Ti erra and Sunglasses one in each hand.
Both of them still laughing, Mike helped Rianne to her feet. "Now Hurry up and get some real clothes on and I'll keep the kids busy in the kitchen till you come down, hurry up!!!" Just as he was ready to let go she grabs him by the collar of his T-Shirt and pulls him back into the furs with her. She still having by the collar grabs his head with her other hand and Rings his lips to hers. She plants a toes curling kiss on him. Which makes Mike let out a moan of satisfaction. As she finishes with a little nibble on his lip. "Jesus Rianne I can't go meet the kids with a boner! Save it for Later!"

He had each of the 8Towers to hold a Suite of bedrooms Their Master Suite and Similar Fantasy Prince and Princess Bedrooms with Nanny Suites were made for Penelope 8, Braden 4 and Shadie 3 Bedrooms designed for each of the kids. But for now Shadie would be rooming with Penelope. With the Nanny Staying in between their suites and Braden's. When Mike thought up this design he really liked the idea of stone walls, towers and Nanny Suites on the other side of the Castle from the Master Suite. To him It was a dream house come true. Both them were so excited to see the Kids and show them the Castle.
Mike now realising that their underwear is strewn all over the place starts running down the hall. Shoving underwear into Fancy Priceless Vases. As He heads down the stairs he spots One of Rianne's sexy lace stockings draped on the Banister. Muttering " You couldn't have rang that damn Gong ten minutes later. Oh, Well Honeymoon's over, back to reality."
He was having difficulty getting the silk stocking into his jeans pockets. "Shit these stockings feel nice, man she's not even in the room and I'm getting...." He's Walking and Muttering. Just as he gets to the Front of the Great Room where the front Entrance is, the Iron Door bursts open! "AH-H-H" They run through the doorway and connect with Mike and push him down onto the Marble Floor!!!Everyone Goes Sliding. Thud, "Holy Sh......,"
Mike exclaimed just as they started smothering him. Mike Stopped Struggling, they let him up for Air!!! They get off of him and stood up allowing Mike to get up and catch his breath. "Hi STEEEEEVE"Penelope, Shadie, and Braden Screamed with delight. "Mike DO WE LIVE HERE NOW?"Brian Asked. "Do we really live in Our Own Castle?" Asked Shadie. "Do We Have Horses?" Asked Penelope , she really wanted her own pony." Hi Kids, How was just trip to Grandma's House?" "Let's Go to the Kitchen and make Mom some Welcome Home Milk Shakes and Grama a Hot Toddy I'm sure she probably needs one by now!" Mike says as he looks at Rianne's Mom Karen and they both let out a chuckle as they start walking through the castle to the Kitchen. Karen, had had Rianne young. She might have been a Grama but she sure didn't look like one, if you know what I mean. She looked great, even for having three kids for a week. I'm sure the Nanny had something to do with the lack of frown lines on her face.
Although Mike Had Flown The Whole Family To Hawaii for the Wedding he flew the kids, nannies and grandma home a week early, so that they could have their Beloved Adult Time. The kids were from Rianne's previous marriage. They had always had Mike there for them to depend on. Mike had a teenage son named Devon. Mike had made a Special Suite for him. Because of the World Tour Mike hired two nannies one male Ken to tutor and take care of Brian and Emily to take care of Penelope and Shadie. Mike would fly the kids on the weekends to where ever they were. It was great for the kids. It seemed like they were always on this Magical Adventure and Mom and Mike were flying the Plane Living the Dream, Castle and ALL.
Rianne after putting away all of the pretty bobbles, had put some "real clothes" on and met up with everyone sitting outside in the Elegant Court Yard sipping on their Chocolate Milkshakes and Eating Some of Rianne's homemade Chocolate Delights that she had the Chef make for the kid's homecoming. To her it was the prefect picture. Mike had truly out done himself.
It took the rest of the day to show the kids all of the Estate and Surprises. The day ended with a glorious dinner and decadent desert that Chef Armand had created Especially for that night. With the Grand Reveal of Each of the Children's Suites. the Children were SO ecstatic, it would take too long to write into words. Lets just say they were VERY...VERY...VERY....PLEASED! They each had their own individual spaces geared directly to each of them.
"They're never going to leave their rooms!" Rianne laughed as she closed Shadie's Door. "I didn't think Shadie Would Sleep in that Big Room By Her Self."
"That's what the nanny is there for Ri. Now where were we? Before we were interrupted?" Mike Whispered As He stepped into the room behind her and shut the door.

AND ADULT TIME WAS RESTORED IN THE MASTER SUITE!!!!

Mike was floating in air just like in a Disney movie. You know, where Imaginary Hummingbirds are hovering around him. While he whistles a tune, skipping down the stairs into the Great Room. Where he is surrounded with all of the animals from that scene in snow white. Where Bambi walks up to him. Just as he goes to pet him the butterfly lands on Bambi's nose and......"whhhhoooop uuuhewups, humph!!!" Fantasy OVER, As Mike was having his God Fantasy, Patting himself on the back for what a truly unbelievable feet he had pulled off in just one year. He didn't see the Banana Peel on the Floor at the bottom of the staircase."What the Heck was TH HAT?"
"Margarette! Margarette! ( Margarette was the housekeeper her husband Mario took Managed the Grounds and Barns.) What in the Hell is a Banana Peel Doing At The Bottom Of The Stairs?" He was more Flabbergasted and Stunned. Probably from the knock he got on the back of his head when he landed and hit the last marble step."What the heck am I paying everyone for if I'm going to get killed by a Banana?" He Blustered. He continues to mumble as he walks toward the swinging door leading to the kitchen" Pay all these people, what now, I got to make my own coffee?" Mike goes to push the swinging door open....
It's not moving, he pushes on the door again."What the heck?" "This is a swinging door, It worked last night, maybe it's stuck!" He says as he scratches his head, moving back to look at the door. He moves back farther and decides he's going to give it a running push.
While in the kitchen Margarette has been trying to get the door open to find out what Mr. Mike is yelling about. She decides to open the door. Just then the Chef comes out of the pantry with a bag of flour to make pancakes for the kids for breakfast.
Mike starts his run at the door, Margarette opens the door just as Mike's about to make contact. Causing him to fly through the doorway. Skidding across the marble floor. while still holding the Dreaded Banana Peel in his hand. Flies SMACK into Chef and the 10lb bag of flour, which explodes all over everyone and everything. Poor Margarette is still holding the door looking at chef and Mr. Mike sprawled out on the marble floor both covered in flour. When Rianne and the kids come buzzing in.
She stops dead when she sees the mess, grabs her Iphone and snaps a picture. Bamm posts it to Facebook as she cracks up laughing. "Mike, Why are you holding a rotten Banana Peel?....Do I even want to ask about the Flour?" She turns to Margarette, who is frozen in position, still holding the door."Margarette?... Are You O.k.?" Margarette Just shakes her head and grabs a broom and starts laughing, and talking gibberish in Spanish" Laos moi their all loco!!!!"she chuckles.
Just then a mouse runs across the floor right in front of her broom, she screams"MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She jumps like the Million Dollar Woman onto the Island, causing a bowl of apples to go smash down and roll everywhere. The broom goes flying into the Pot Rack Causing it to come crashing down around her. Somehow grabbing a Cast Iron Frying Pan as the Rack drops, still hanging onto the broom in the other.Waving the Frying pan and broom at the spot where she thinks she saw it go. Screaming "Mouse, Mr. Mike MOUSE. OVER THERE GET IT IT WENT IN THE PANTRY!!!!!" Scaring the heck right out of the kids.
Chef And Mr. Mike were scrambling to get up off the floor, still caked with flour. They get up wiping the flour from their eyes. Mr. Mike puts his hand up just in time to catch the broom Ring flung at his head. Chef grabs a huge Machete from the Knife bar on the wall. Margarette still waving the frying pan and screaming like a banshee!
The Nannies show up and Rianne tell them to get the kids outside. Crash eggs go flying out of the pantry. Mike yells" What the hell are you thinking, Chef. REALLY, REALLY? EGGS?.... YOUR TRYING TO KILL THE MOUSE WITH EGGS?..... WHERE ARE YOU FROM........ USE THE KNIFE!!!!!!" "I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE ARE MICE IN MY KITCHEN, MAR DE IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Chef bellowed in his snooty french accent."Oh SHIITE THERE IT IS, KILL IT, KILL IT NOW GO ON!!!MONSIEUR MikeN!!!"...."ARRRMAAANND YOU HAVE THE BIG KNIFE!!!! YOU KILL IT....... IT'S OVER THERE!!!!" Mike SCREAMED!
Mike swats at the mouse with the broom just as Chef Armand swings his machete. Mike misses the mouse with the broom but feels the knife blade slice through the broom stick and almost his private stick. Which after he screamed" Watch what your f*$#ing doing man, you almost chopped my d*$k off!!!!"Armand Replied" Well..... YOU TOLD ME TO KILL IT!!!!"
"WELL, YOU Didn't , Kill IT, DID YOU?" He Growled Back Nose to Nose with him in the middle of the pantry!"You almost Killed Little Mike!!!!" Mike ranted at Chef. Raising his hand making it into a fist, forgetting that somehow he was still hanging onto the Dirty Rotten Banana Peel. that was now dripping through his shaking fist flinging Banana muck into Chef Armand's face.
Chef Armand Still sporting a cast Iron Frying pan in one hand and a huge Machete in the other. Goes to swing the Frying Pan in Mr. Mike's Direction.
SQUEAK ,SQUEAK AND THE MOUSE B LINES IT RIGHT BETWEEN THEIR FEET.
Rianne calmly opens the outside door and the Mouse runs out! She slams the door shut and spins around. Hands on hips, SHE STARTS READING OUT THE RIOT ACT!!!" Now, Was that SO HARD?... GENTLEMEN?...Margarette Get down off... no wait! Mike Armand Get Over Here And Help Margarette Down, NOW PLEASE!!!"
"Margaret, Armand get some help in here and get this mess cleaned up, NOW!!!"..."Mike WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THAT.....DIRTY........ROTTEN.......BANANA PEEL?"............."WHY ARE YOU AND ARMAND COVERED IN FLOUR?....................WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

" HUN..... YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT IF I TOLD YOU!!!!"
and he proceeds to tell her what happened as they make their way up to their Master Suite to Shower off the Flour and Banana. Feeling All Refreshed and ready to attempt some more Adult Time with Ri. He steps out of his personal shower inside his change rooms. Towel rapped around his waste, towel drying his hair as he walked into his clothes closet to pick out something to wear.
he still had the towel over his head when he heard something whoosh past his head" what the.." He Yells just as he wisps the towel down to come face to face with a bat getting ready to dive bomb his head!!! "BBBBBBAAAAAAATTTTTTTT.......... Ri..... BAT, BAT Ri!!!!!" He Screams as he throw the towel at the Bat and runs back into the Master Bedroom looking for Ri. "Ri, Ri Where the hell are you? BAT, BAT BIIIIIIIIGGGGG BAT!!!!!! BIG BAT IN CLOSET!!!!!
*****SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH BIG HUGE CASTLES IT TAKES FOREVER TO FIND ANYONE IN IT!!!!!!!
Rianne strolls back into the Master bedroom lookin smokin hot. So hot at that point Mike's other towel falls off. Rianne purrs into his ear. "Wow MORE ADULT TIME ALREADY?" Mike INSTANTLY FORGETTING ABOUT THE BAT" YEAH Adult Time......SHIT.......NO...........NOO ADULT TIME!!!! Not right now anyway! How are you with Bats?" Mike asked, really pissed at this Bat for wreaking his alone time with his New Ride.
"What Do You Mean, How Am I With Bats?"..."What the Hell is That supposed to mean?" She asked in disbelief. " There's a BAT in MY closet!!!!"..... "That's What I Mean!!!!.... What Do We Do?" He Repeated. "We Need to call a guy." She replied. " What kind of guy do you call for a Bat In your Closet?" He Asked Sarcastically, " What a Bat Removal Guy?" he Asked still with sarcasm. Rianne walked to the night stand pulled out the yellow pages and started looking. and then they Remembered their long time Friend, Ron Had a Wild Animal Removal Business. Ri told Mike to get Ron and his crew out there NOW, AND GET RID OF ALL OF THESE ANIMALS WANDERING AROUND HER CASTLE!!!!
AND
That is how I came to know this story. I'm Ron's Wife, Christine and this is where we enter the story.

Ron comes in and Grabs his sons which work with and tells me "Let's go, come on we got to go now!!!".... "Mike just called...... I don't know he wasn't making much sense. Something about Mice, Rotten Bananas, His Broom Stick getting sliced off by chef Armand . Which I Think might be a metaphor for something else!!!" "WHAT?" I asked" I Don't know I told you!!! I could barely understand him!!!! something Else about a Bat attacking him and dive bombing at his head!!! We'll see when we get there!!!" So we rushed over, we had been invited to stay as long as we needed to make Mike and Rianne's Castle Animal Free.
Mike called again just before we got there, "Ron!!!! where the hell are you man, I Need you here now, Ri's Freakin out!!!" mean while it was really Mike having the hairy fit. Finally Ron and Crew Arrives to a frantic castle, kids running all over the courtyards being chased by nannies. Chef, Margarette and the rest of the house staff were still busy cleaning up after the Mousecapade in the kitchen. Mike tells the guard to let Ron's truck in and Meets us in the Courtyard. Mike took the next half hour with help from Rianne to tell Ron very graphically with much animation described what had happened. Even through the entire event from slipping on the stairs, to the jammed door to the mouse in the pantry, to the bat dive bombing him in his closet it only took 15 minutes to happen and an hour for Ron to get there. The way he told it you would have though he'd been held hostage for days by these tiny little creatures!!!!
Ron Goes to Mike's Clothes Closet to see if the Bat is still there. Since Mike forgot to shut the door before he ran screaming from the room. Because Mike has the his and hers bathrooms built into the his and hers suites adjoining the master bedroom. Extra Exhaust Venting and Fans were installed top remove moisture. But allowing BATS FULL ACCESS TO his clothes closet and the rest of the Castle.
Ron Hands Mike the following information: The first is one How Bats Can enter your house" Or in Your Case Mike, It's how Bats Enter your Castle." Ron Said giving a little laugh at how worked up Mike was. But in all fairness to Mike, he did have a bad morning!


We were there for quite a while:
Sealing , Meshing and Repairing everything necessary to make the Castle and Estate Bat, Raccoon, Squirrel Skunk, Possum, Chipmunk, Groundhog, Mouse, Rat, Mole, Rabbit, Bird in Vents, Pigeons Roosting on the Castle Peeks, and Snake Free from the following Areas:

Attic, Louvre,Bathroom, Kitchen, Roof Vents, Soffit, Gables, Eves, Eves Trough Down Spout, Under Siding, In/On/Nesting Behind My Business Sign and/or Entrance Way/Awning and Roof Peaks..





  • Under my Deck, Porch, Front Steps, Shed, Out Building(s), Pool House, Add-A-Room or Addition.
  • under my cement steps, porch, interlocking walkway or driveway.
  • In/ Under and around Pools, under pool liner and pumps and Heaters.
  • Air Conditioning and Heating Units, Radiators, Registers, Duct Work.


  • This is what Ron found after doing a thorough inspection of the Castle. He came to the following conclusions:
    • There were Bats roosting in Between the Roof and Ceiling Using the Bathroom vents as entry points on top of the normal ones listed on the bat entry points page.
    • There were mice throughout the castle. They had probably gained entry while the castle was being built and multiplied from there.
    • and the Great Mystery as to how the Banana Peel, The thing that started this whole whoo ha was dropped by the Raccoon on his way back from the kitchen to the Medieval Craved Stone Fire Place into a fireplace ruff in 2 floors up.
    Which resulted in Ron giving Steve more information on the Following:
    How Do I Know If I Have Raccoon(s) in My Chimney? How Do I Get Raccoon(s) Out Of My Chimney? Are There Baby Raccoons In My Chimney? Can The Raccoons Open The Flu And Get Into My House? Why Can't I just Set A Fire and Smoke The Raccoons Out?



    • Upon inspection of the ground discovered more raccoons and a family of Skunks under the pool house.
    1. The first thing Ron did was net the Bat in Steve's Clothes Closet
    2. Ron live trapped and Removed the skunks and relocated them to a different part of the Estate where there couldn't hurt anything.
    3. While he got the Bat Crew on to completely Animal Proofing The Castle
    4. ONE-WAY-DOORS ON THE CHIMNEY, ONE ON EACH OF THE BATHROOM VENTS, AND A GOOD EXIT HOLE THEY FOUND, AS WELL AS ONE TO LET THE MICE OUT. YOU DON'T WANT THEM DYING IN THE WALLS AND YOU DON'T WANT THEM BEING ABLE TO GET BACK IN!!!!
    5. Once Ron was sure that everything ALL ANIMALS HAVE LEFT THE CASTLE. He Removed the ALL OF THE ONE-WAY-DOORS.
    6. He then disinfected the entire Castle, only because the Raccoon was actually walking around. We didn't want any Males come to courting, thus the disinfection.
    7. We removed ALL CONTAMINATED INSULATION AND MATERIALS.
    8. We Capped the chimneys and ALL vents with two kind of mesh. One Too prevent the larger Animals like Raccoons and Squirrels. The smaller mesh to prevent Mice, Rats and Bats from ever getting back into your home again.
    You know what I mean, I'm sure that your home is your castle too.
    So if you are hearing any kind of noises running, chewing scratching, you probably have something in your house. You need to take care of it now before your Castle is turned into a hovel!!!!!
    The Moral of this story is......
    When you have property of anyh kind large or small. They should ALL be Animal Proofed. Animals don't care how much money yhou have they just want your garbage and a roof over their head!!!!
    You'll be happy to know:

    Mike, Rianne, Devon, Penelope, Brian, Shadie, The Nannies, Margarette and her Husband Mario and The Chef Armand. Are Now living in their Castle Happilly Ever After,
    Animal Free thanks to:


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    Do you have a Funny Animal Picture or Video send it to me Sue@brssremoval.com and I will make a funny story to go with your picture or video. Good Luck